Roof That Peach

Chris Bosh, undoubtedly brimming with joy and confidence about his new lease on life in the land of fake breasts, indicated to the Miami Herald in a Sunday story that Toronto “smelled different” because it wasn’t in the United States. Now I’ve written about all I can stomach about the U.S. player/Toronto team thing, so I’ll leave it alone. However, the article’s writer, Israel Gutierrez, takes the usual absent-minded digs that many American journalists fall victim to, specifically saying that the league didn’t notice Bosh because he played in Toronto.

Didn’t notice? Wasn’t that Chris Bosh who did a week of hits on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno (before Leno screwed Conan) during the 2008 NBA Finals? Wasn’t that Chris Bosh who was voted by NBA fans to start the 2007 All-Star Game? The next thing they’ll tell us is Vince Carter left T.O. for better endorsements with the Nets, which isn’t true. After Vince left, I didn’t see his jersey in Fat Joe videos, like it was when he played here. But people have short (or no) memories.

Aah, to be a fan in the frozen tundra.

Bryan Colangelo took his shots at Bosh to Bob McCown on the FAN 590 Monday, admitting what was clear at the time, that he mentally checked out on the team down the stretch. In retrospect, it really was pathetic. After a rough March 26 loss to Denver on a last-second Carmelo Anthony jumper, I was in the locker room scrum and the Star’s Dave Feschuk was grilling him on his recent rash of turnovers. Bosh, in his laconic speaking style, just kept shrugging and mumbling. It sort of reminded of the time Shaq called him the “RuPaul of big men,” and he responded in a YouTube video by just giggling like someone to afraid to make a meaningful statement.

With the likelihood of any meaningful player additions decreasing by the day, the Raptors organization did bring into the fold veteran TV broadcaster David Amber, who was a Toronto-based reporter for ESPN, to replace Adnan Virk on pre- and post-game, who went to … ESPN.

Amber a solid guy and a knowledgeable ball fan who will be a good fit. And the reason it’s newsworthy is because this coming season, the team’s broadcasters may be worth watching more than the team itself.

If you go on Google Street View and type in “Johannesburg, South Africa” you can see anything in this turbulent, crime-ridden metropolis. Including a black Jeep Cherokee tailing behind the Google camera car wherever it goes in the downtown area. Black Jeep Cherokees are the preferred vehicles of government and private security forces in South Africa, like the ones Google would hire to protect that dumb-looking little car with the high camera.

So to summarize: Breaking news, Johannesburg is unsafe.

ESPN’s Marc Stein wrote early Tuesday that the Matt Barnes-to-Toronto deal has hit a snag, apparently because of sign-and-trade issues between the Magic and the Raps, given the MLE Bryan Colangelo just gave Linas Kleiza. There’s no definitive word yet, but the Raptors and Orlando were scheduled to talk later Tuesday in an attempt to perhaps hammer something out.

This is why NBA capology is a nightmare. You need an MBA and PhD, and on top of that basically have to be an idiot savant just to crunch the numbers involved in acquiring an averagely-talented swingman from UCLA. Meanwhile, some NHL teams run by borderline lunatics partially circumvent their own cap by giving players 17-year contracts which frontload and probably pay entry level salary at Bass Pro Shops in year 15.

You see, sports isn’t really fun any more, people. Plus, while incorrect, the whole thing gives off a whole “nobody wants to play here, and we don’t want anybody to play here either” stench from the Raptors. It doesn’t really matter if it’s correct though, because perception is reality.

Matt Barnes to the Raptors at an alleged 2 years/10 mil. The pro is he’s a good guy to have at the 3, given Toronto’s lack of production on the wing. Price tag on the steeper side, but far from deadly. Con is he’s not starter quality on any respectable team. However this isn’t going to be a remotely respectable team, so it is what it is. He is tradeable however should he put up the 8 a game on decent shooting he’s done for the seven teams he’s played for in his NBA career.

On the topic of Michael Jordan questioning LeBron James, the thinking here is he didn’t go far enough. Obviously, as MJ said, the generations are different. NBA players are all boys now and shug before games rather than after. But Jordan can certainly be more ruthless (and smarter) than comparing the ’3 Kings’ or whatever you want to call them to himself, Magic and Bird. Instead he left us wishing that he volleyed a stronger shot across LeBron’s bow, perhaps a stronger-worded version of what Charles Barkley said.

Of course he doesn’t need to because while logically, his legacy was always safe from the idiotic comparisons, it is firmly affixed for all to see now.

So apparently either MJ or Larry Brown realized they were acquiring Jose Calderon and changed their mind. As a result, Tyson Chandler, pictured, is now heading to Dallas. Take back half of what I said about Colangelo, even if this isn’t his fault. Any other suitors for Jose are out there? There was talk of Philly being interested, but it would probably require taking on Iguodala, which would mean the Raps would have to throw somebody else in. Unlikely.

George Steinbrenner, 1930-2010

Sure enough, Calderon on his way out of town. Tyson Chandler heading north from Charlotte according to Yahoo, which ain’t bad at $12.6 mil for only one season. Calderon’s contract is an albatross-in-the-making anyways. It’s still a rebuild because even with the additions the Raptors are nowhere near good enough to make the playoffs in the east. There’s still the glaring absence of a wing player who can score more than 9 a game consistently. But Colangelo has done what every NBA GM wants to do when the pieces around him don’t work — clear cap space for a year or two down the road. You gotta hand it to him, this situation could look much worse.

Say want you want about Bryan Colangelo’s track record the past three years. But by managing to trade the virtually untradeable Hedo Turkoglu for Phoenix’s Leandro Barbosa and likely Boris Diaw by way of Charlotte — two solid parts — it shows there’s a reason he’s still considered a top-drawer NBA GM. He’s done this before after all, trading Rafael Araujo in 2006 for two, living, breathing human beings, one of whom (Kris Humphries) was a valuable asset.

Barbosa’s reported arrival is a definite plus despite the fact he’s not a pure point guard, and it’s likely to spell the end of either Calderon or Jack. Likely Calderon. More to come.

"If any of you kids are thirsty, there's a conveniently placed fridge full of Vitamin Water. Just don't get up while the Pete Rose guy talks to LeBron"

However this Miami Heat triumvirate ends — and I’m betting that title(s) or not, it ultimately ends with clashing egos — this entire clusterfuck of an experience has been one of the most surreal sequences in sports history. The story goes the three of these guys made a pact at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing that they would do just this. And by doing it, LeBron James may become the man who could have been King. How he and Dwyane Wade plan on co-existing 40 minutes a game is anybody’s guess, but for the time being they can regale us about how they plan on being selfless team guys. You can also count on current Heat coach Erik Spoelstra being fired or re-assigned mid-season a la Stan Van Gundy. The glory that is Pat Riley’s ego tends to flare up every couple of years like a case of latent arthritis.

I don’t know Chris Bosh — the closest I’ve come to him is holding a tape recorder to his chest and walking by him once at Cheval — but there was a palpable sense in Toronto after the summer of 2008 that he had changed. Bill Simmons points out that presently, he clearly wants to be more famous than he actually is. From purely a basketball standpoint, going to Miami to be with Wade alone made sense — he never was a #1, no matter how hard some Raptors fans wanted him to be, and despite his deficiencies he would flourish playing low with a star in the backcourt. But the whole process made you wonder when the rumor came out LeBron had unsuccessfully tried to recruit him to Cleveland. He wouldn’t play in the rustbelt, plain and simple. It was abundantly clear he needed more glamour than that. Thanks to Mona Halem and the city itself, Toronto is celebrated among U.S. pro athletes (even if they don’t want to live here) for it’s multi-ethnic mix of women and upscale nightlife. The only NBA cities that beat it in that regard are Miami, New York and L.A.

By rejecting LBJ’s appeal to find a way to go to the Cavs, Bosh essentially made himself the catalyst of this union because it sealed LeBron’s days in Cleveland. Without a sidekick, he wasn’t staying. I suspect, as per the pact, James was aiming for Miami all along, until he got all sentimental about his long-suffering home region three days ago. You could tell he was uncharacteristically nervous on ESPN with Jim Gray, mumbling “this is tough” before dropping his destination. Why New York never seemed fully in the game is beyond me, although I think Donnie Walsh didn’t want to get involved in this scheme and instead went out and got something certain in Amare Stoudemire. As a result, these three guys will ply their trade in a city that is full of hot chicks yes, but whose team closed down their upper deck seating in a brand-new arena as little as eight years ago due to poor attendance. As a well-rounded sports fan’s town, Miami makes Toronto look like Boston.

And I can’t see how this is good for the game, given much of league’s financial shortfall since the economy’s near-collapse. The closest comparison to this union would be to the ’90s Bulls, an era that left many craving the rivalries of the decade before. You can bet this juggernaut will be marketed to point of numbness, but there’s also going to be a backlash from many of the league’s hardcore fans. If there’s a good thing, players on other teams will be gunning for them, which means some will actually try for a change. While David Stern might have intervened on the “free agency summit” you almost wonder if he should of stopped this. But he wouldn’t have, because he sees more global revenue. Countless kids in Indonesia wearing Heat jerseys. And that’s what he needs to bank on in today’s world.

How is it three guys deciding to play together makes you instantly dislike two of them? My opinion of LeBron, which was quite high, has hit new lows. Is Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert just angry or is there truth in what he wrote in that scathing rip-job of a letter in Comic Sans MS? And anybody who uses Twitter in the fashion Chris Bosh has the past few weeks deserves the “annoying” label, at best.

He brought Syracuse it’s lone national title. But I knew there always was more of a reason I liked Carmelo Anthony the most.