Roof That Peach

Chris Bosh missed his seventh straight game Friday night against the Knicks, although the story now is a stomach virus struck him down before the game. He was taken to a HOSPITAL and put on an IV while the Raps wore the Huskies uniforms with the inexpensive Barney Miller title font and won 102-96.

IV is serious enough to warrant chatter. BTW there are whispers his ankle injury is more serious than the team has been letting on.

Meanwhile Tracy McGrady, he along with cousin Vinnie of “How much better would we have been if we came along in the ’80s when money hadn’t completely changed the game?” NBA players, imparted his wisdom about Bosh’s impending free agency to the Toronto media at Knicks shootaround Friday.

“Maybe he wants to start off fresh with another franchise, or maybe he’s doing it for tax reasons,” said T-Mac regarding the rumours Bosh will bolt T-dot the first chance he gets this summer. McGrady after all did it himself in 2000, in one of the least surprising developments of my lifetime. Soon after of course, the exodus watch focused on the aforementioned Vince Carter. And although most Americans forget it (revisionist history being their most lovable strong suit), it didn’t happen. Even most Canadians forget Vince resigned here long-term in the summer of ’01 when nobody said he would. Unfortunately, he opted to phone the bulk of his career in from that point forward, leading to the brilliant Rob Babcock trade of 2004, but he did re-up here. But I’ve talked about that before.

Tracy has long purposely tried to be a thorn in the side of Raps fans and has eye sockets spread out like a fish, but this is a different situation. Quite frankly, if Bosh left tomorrow I don’t think I would lose much sleep. Is he a great player? Sure. Entertaining guy? Yeah. Would it “destroy Canada’s lone NBA franchise?” Hell no. As Bill Simmons adroitly pointed out, the business of the NBA is such now that every team is somewhat screwed the moment they commit to a large contract (potentially see Hedo Turkoglu). Unless you’ve got a true franchise superstar (re: Kobe, Duncan, LeBron) or catch a break (the Celts trading for KG could have backfired in ’07 – ask the 2004 Lakers all-ego team of Shaq, Kobe, Mailman and Glove), your team is generally caught in the same cycle of mediocrity.

But enough of that. Let’s look the real reasons why American athletes frown about playing in Canada.

It’s not taxes. The fiscal loss is negligible at best. It’s not cold weather. Go to Chicago in January sometime. It’s not necessarily the hockey thing. Play any sport other than football in Dallas, and see what it’s like to be second fiddle. But if one thing can sum it up, it’s four letters: ESPN.

I know Americans who live in Canada. There are minor annoyances that bother them about moving up here. Changing your mobile provider from Sprint Nextel to Telus. Figuring out how the health-care system applies to you. In other words, the same annoyances Canadians face when they move to the states. But one specific issue many Americans have — regular folk or pro athletes — is no ESPN. You see, the U.S. is a diversified sports nation. It’s not a country limited in large numbers to one sport like Canada is. The cliques of Canucks who love pro and college basketball would fit into one small-to-medium-sized American market, maybe Pittsburgh at best. And no corporation has capitalized in the past decade and a half on the spectrum of U.S. sports like ESPN. What was a simple cable channel with a glut of pro bowling in the late ’80s is now a standalone brand, a true monopoly that every sports fan in America turns to for their favorite sport (except for maybe hockey). While TSN has been partially been owned by ESPN since 1995, protectionist laws keep the American network off Canadian subscriber screens. And the similarities end with the graphics.

In the ’80s and early ’90s, Americans (or Dominicans for that matter, who now incidentally get ESPN Deportes) had no issue playing for the Blue Jays because those were also the days when most pro athletes weren’t so media-savvy. The combined Jays teams that won the World Series in 1992 and 1993 featured only two 25-man roster players — T.O.’s own Rob Butler and Willie Canate — who were born after Jan. 1, 1970. That means the bulk of those players were raised in the ’70s and early ’80s, pre-MJ, pre-Just Do It. ESPN’s powerhouse is a legacy born from that. The Shawn Greens, Vince Carters, A.J. Burnetts and Chris Boshes of the world grew up with ESPN as kids, some more importantly as alumni of the American universities ESPN has helped pad the coffers of.

It’s also no secret that most pro athletes who ply their trade in Hogtown live in the downtown condos, many of which ban balcony satellite dishes for aesthetic reasons. And unless they employ the same tactics a guy I know once did by propping up an illegal dish on a crude wood frame next to their window (assuming it faces southwest of course), then these American gladiators are left to watch programs at home where 65% of the winter sports highlight content is ice hockey and curling. Vince Carter said this was an overrated issue when asked about it in 2004. But it’s not. To a spoiled pro athlete, it’s a minor nuisance along the lines of the cellphones and health care for average people. The big difference being that spoiled pro athletes often have multiple choices about where they work. After all, how many times have the Raptors been on U.S. national television in the last five years? As superfan Nav Bhatia pointedly reminded me once, it’s been “since Vince left.”

Maybe I’m wrong. TV ain’t the be-all, end-all any more. Maybe the web-savvy generation (of which Bosh is clearly a member) rely on the Internet for non-nordic highlights, like The Score apparently deduced when they canceled their only live highlight TV program. Just gotta hope that ESPN never institutes an NBC/Universal-like policy of banning web views from outside the U.S.

Strange, though. I thought the world was supposed to be “getting smaller.”

DeMar DeRozan limped out of Raptors practice Tuesday after injuring his right ankle. Coach Jay Triano said DeRozan had tweaked his other ankle in one of last week’s games, potentially double-hobbling the rookie swingman. “I said to him, look at things positively – if you’re going to have two ankle sprains, you might as well have them at the same time,” Triano joked. DeRozan will be evaluated tomorrow for his status against the Miami Heat.

If he can’t go, Triano said Antoine Wright may get the task of guarding Dwyane Wade (which quite frankly is probably a better matchup).

Coming off the huge win against the Lakers Sunday, the Raptors will be hoping to extend the latest mini win streak. “It’s very significant, it’s a chance to take over fifth spot with a win,” said Chris Bosh. “All the early stuff is out the window now.”

The Raptors wasted a 44-point, 12-rebound night from Chris Bosh in a half-empty Bradley Center in Milwaukee Wednesday, and Hedo Turkoglu needs to start taking some serious heat. The big reason is he was outplayed most of the night by one of his predecessors, Carlos Delfino. Turk’s 5-of-14 night comes on the heels of a 1-of-6, three-point outing in Cleveland and a 2-of-9 eight-point game against Dallas. In the year 2010, Turkoglu is shooting 34% and averaging 10 points a game. Basically, he’s sucked since he did that God-awful Pizza Pizza commercial, which I heard a Raptors TV cameraman say was only shot three weeks ago. Pizza Pizza should mothball it now and bring back the billboard ads with Doug Christie. Maybe throw in Christie’s wife to boot, and she can make him look at the floor when a Raptors Dance Pak member brings in a piping hot deep-dish Hawaiian.

The lost City

Some are chattering that they can’t believe City-TV would break up the beloved longtime anchor team of Gord Martineau and the laid-off Ann Mroczkowski, seeing as they were basically Toronto’s Chuck Scarborough and Sue Simmons. But think of it this way – there’s hardly a person with a regular job right now who hasn’t lost a fellow co-worker to layoff in the past 10 years. Did it upset you? Of course. But did you quit your job because of it? Probably not. My best guess is City’s ratings have been tanking since they moved studios anyway, and I doubt Rogers is putting too much stock in blowback. I hope people do stop watching City, and it sucks because in the rare occurence that I’d watch local news, it would be them. But maybe that’s exactly why local TV news is allegedly a thing of the past.

Ted Kennedy spinning in his grave

People are saying Obama’s health care plan, if not his presidency, is screwed now because that woman from Massachusetts figured she’d get elected in liberal Massachusetts just by showing up and not bothering to campaign. Those predictions may be correct, but Barack can always look back at Bill Clinton for encouragement here. In 1993, he too was embarassed trying to pass health care legislation in a bad economy, and watched the Republicans take control of Congress the following year. Even some of the intangibles were the same – Obama has the teabaggers now, Clinton had redneck militiamen blowing up federal buildings. Despite that, Clinton was re-elected in 1996. And say what you want about him, he turned out to be a fairly successful 2-term president.  The only big difference between then and now is Joe Biden isn’t going to invent the Internet to jumpstart another economic bubble like Al Gore did.

Speaking of health care

UFC Heavyweight champ Brock Lesnar took some shots at the Canadian health care system Wednesday, saying “They couldn’t do nothing for me” when he was hospitalized in an unnamed Canadian location after coming down with something called diverticulosis (apparently a hole in the stomach) while up here hunting a few months ago. “It was like I was in a Third World country,” Lesnar said, before backtracking and professing his love for, and property ownership in, Canada.

I’ve heard first-hand complaints from Americans who have had experience with our vaunted system before, but all I can really do is offer my own experience.

Sometime in the summer of 1998, I was staying at a friend’s house. It was the middle of the night and everyone else was sleeping, and I dropped a half-full bottle of Labatt’s Blue on my bare foot.  It smashed and hit a major vein, because the blood started pumping out and didn’t stop. Despite wrapping the wound, the blood kept coming, so much so that my friend’s white tile floor was soon smeared with it. I reasoned at this point it would be a good idea to take a taxi to the hospital. (Once I left, his roommate got up to go to the bathroom. She saw blood stains and bloody footprints on the floor and me nowhere in sight, and assumed I had been murdered, or at least beaten and kidnapped. She confessed the next day that she started crying, but apparently it didn’t stop her from going back to bed without waking anyone or calling 911).

Anyways, once I got to Etobicoke General ER (now closed) I was placed in the waiting room for five hours with a Nike t-shirt wrapped around my foot – even though the place was pretty quiet – before a doctor put four stitches in my foot. I got back to my friend’s place in time for Regis and Kathie Lee.

Granted, I wasn’t dying, and I didn’t have an insurance company on the phone denying me a hip replacement, but that’s my story. It is notable that while ER’s close and hospitals get consolidated, one thing that doesn’t shrink are the salaries of hospital administrators. Not that I’m in any way defending Lesnar’s comments. He probably isn’t taking into consideration that being rich and famous doesn’t always net you the best care in Canada. Unless you’re getting H1N1 shots.

Ballsy move by Bosh to finish on that continuation call. Made up for the breakdown at the other end that allowed Dalembert to give Philly the lead. Aside from Hedo not having much of a night, these are the Raptors when they’re clicking. Over .500 for the first time since Nov. 13. I gotta say though the Sixers are pretty bad at choking up these big second half leads. Dudes are like John Tory.

Coming off another trouncing – this time to the Magic in Orlando – how long is it until the desires of some bloggers become mainstream, and Jay Triano finds himself on the firing line? This team is not responding – the major factor is, simply put, this team is not chemically inclined to play defence. While that’s not really Triano’s fault, at some point questions will be asked if someone else can better motivate the team to shore up their weaknesses.

Truthfully, there isn’t. Triano is well-respected by his players, but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

This season is quickly slipping into a strange abyss – and given that it’s Bosh’s contract year, with virtually no chance of Bryan Colangelo trading during the season, logic may lean towards status quo and Triano staying.

But you know when a team is bad. And right now, watching this team, it’s bad.

1. Raptors - They deferred to their specialty once again with a lethargic second half against the Suns, falling 113-94. Nash dropped 16 dimes, while on the other side Bosh again workmanlike with 30 and 17. This loss isn’t much of a surprise, but as I mentioned before, with defence an impossibility – and as a friend of mine suggested the other day - why not just go out and score 120 every game like these Suns did back in the heady NHL-lockout days of ’04-’05? If you can’t stop them, just try and outscore them (although when Hedo shoots under 29%, like he has every other game since the Orlando loss, it’s hard).

2. Grey Cup. Here’s the thing – some people still get ripped once in a while for watching the CFL, but the fact is those people doing the ripping are idiots who probably never played football. Also idiots: The clueless losers who say the CFL is superior to the NFL. Look at it this way; football is football, and a good game is a good game.

But while the game was actually entertaining as all hell, here are some criticisms:

a) Field. Maybe paint the field as if some sort of championship game was being played on it. I realize times are tough and the CFL has a long history of doing things cheap and wrong, but does it cost much to replace the Field Turf, or paint over the soccer lines or the Stampeders logo in the end zone? And while I’m on it, drop those on-field ads too. They are cheap, ugly and distracting. I know they bring in the  $$$, but how about embracing technology and doing virtual ads on the field TSN? It would be a cleaner look.

b) Halftime shows. There’s a big reason nobody has really heard of Blue Rodeo since 1989. The reason is Blue Rodeo sucks ass.  When one tunes in to a halftime show, one should be entertained. Instead at one point I saw a couple in Riders gear making out on the field, not unlike what I’d see if I went into a shithole bar in Moose Jaw and saw Blue Rodeo was playing. Again, Ivan Fecan, if you can at least aesthetically make Canadian Idol look like American Idol, get some of your crack CTV staff to produce a decent halftime show.

c) Marc Trestman. His Alouettes won the game thanks to dumb luck, but this guy sucks. First off, he spells “Mark” “Marc”. Secondly he’s a bad coach. During the entire game he looked out of it, asking one of his assistants (who looked a lot like Roy Halladay) for backup on every down. Trestman’s claim to fame? He was once the offensive co-ordinator of the 49ers. Offensive co-ordinator of the 49ers when their offense consisted of Steve Young, Jerry Rice, Ricky Watters and Brent Jones. Yes, very complex mastering of a West Coast Offense that was invented two decades earlier and institutionalized to that franchise by Bill Walsh. Dude let’s face it, that guy in Belgium could have sat in the Niners booth and looked good with that squad.

But all that aside, one of the most bananas finishes to any football game ever. In the last 3, a non-call for pass interference, an upstairs review on a catch and a penalty on a missed field goal (Urban Meyer be strokin off over that one) which gave a second chance for the winner. The Grey Cup is usually good because it’s the one big Canadian sports event that has no ice and a few non-white people. And to think I almost turned the channel to Steelers/Ravens or to CH or whatever the hell Canwest’s creditors are calling it because they had Running Man on.

3. Bills. Nice win, I like Ryan Fitzpatrick going for the bomb immediately after the turnover and, consequentially, getting T.O. back involved with the offense. That’s my entire offensive game plan when I play Madden. Word from my peeps was the usual 60-minute-plus wait at the Peace Bridge, glad Ralph Wilson’s boys have a short week and a Thursday night date in T-Dot with the Jets.

Excellent point about the Raptors lack of fibre by Captain Jack Armstrong after Chris Bosh got punked by Paul Pierce Friday night. The Celts are cocky, but personally I don’t think the facial was an intentionally dirty play – knees collide sometimes, but Jack adroitly pointing out that the only rallying Raptor was Jay Triano – who’s backing of his team has never been questioned. Dirty or not, T’s or not, plays like that need to become a rallying point.

However the fact is this is a team comprised of a superstar in his contract year (likely on his way out of town), a couple of quality European players, some journeymen and a rookie. While it causes controversy in some quarters, I’ll say it again – European athletes are soft. In-yo-face ain’t their style. On the other hand, sometimes biting genitalia while celebrating a goal is. While I like Bargnani’s demeanor, he’s not Charles Oakley. Then again nobody else is, but as I mentioned elsewhere, the absence of Reggie Evans is really screwing this team right now. And with his lingering injury I’m really starting to fear that he’s becoming a modern-day Toronto acquisition of Ken Dayley.

Maybe hope lies with Amir Johnson – I’m sure this has been pointed out, and I’m even more sure it sounds gay, but dude has the best Raptor biceps since AD.

I personally believe that it is still embarassing if you get destroyed by the Charlotte Bobcats. But if anything, they are a well-coached team. Plus they’ve only given up 100 points or more in a game once this season, and despite being losers of seven of their past eight, kept the Raptors to 81 Wednesday night. The Raps shot under 35%, and the scoresheet is hideous to look at: Bosh 5 of 14, Turkoglu 2 of 7, Belinelli 2 of 9.

Back-to-backs, plane rides, whatever. Bench warmer Patrick O’Bryant was singing the praises of the Charlotte Ritz Carlton on Twitter for what it’s worth, so don’t blame the hotel. Forget defence completely – it’s a mythical creature here, like the Yeti, or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch.* It’s clear now that this is how Toronto will live and die, so enjoy the orgasmic highs and heroin-withdrawal lows.

*Stolen from a Seinfeld episode

Chuck Burton/The Associated Press

Three games into the NBA season, there isn’t a whole lot to report on the Toronto Raptors. An emotional, unexpected win over one of the Eastern Conference’s top teams on opening night has given way to two losses – one to an NBA doormat in Memphis Friday, and one against another elite Eastern squad.

But Sunday’s loss against Orlando doesn’t signify much. Fatalist Toronto fans may be hitting the idiots’ panic button now, but the Magic were insanely hot from beyond the arc — hitting 17 threes, tying a game record for a Raptors’ opponent. At the end of the day it was actually a pretty wacky game and Toronto really wasn’t all that bad, despite trailing by 22 at one point.

While Hedo Turkoglu seemed absent for most of the game, Andrea Bargnani rebounded from a lacklustre effort against the Grizzlies, scoring 22 in the second half and singlehandedly getting the Raptors back in the game late. Chris Bosh dropped 35 with 16 boards. I like what I’m seeing in the small doses of DeMar DeRozan — just a damn shame he’s going to hit that rookie wall in January.

This isn’t a Raptor team that is going to be spectacular defensively anyways, and sometimes your opponents can’t miss. The Raps were no slouch from the land beyond anyway — 10 of 17. Vince Carter missed the game for Orlando with a sprained left ankle, more notable because an unusually small Sunday crowd witnessed the game. Call it a Halloween hangover, I guess.

While I’m on it, seeing as Jay-Z played the ACC on Halloween night, I need to bring this up — this Toronto-ized cover (below) of his and Alicia Keys’ Empire State of Mind. Few things — Rosie O’Donnell included — annoy me more than Torontonians putting themselves in the same league as New York. This sort of thing NEEDS to stop. The reason New York is called the City That Never Sleeps is because it literally never sleeps. Finding a 24-hour restaurant there on a Tuesday night isn’t a lost cause, like it is here. And that’s not even taking into account everything else — infrastructure, transit, etc. SO PLEASE STOP THIS COMPARISON.

Sports Illustrated’s NBA preview is out, and they pick the Raptors to finish second in the Atlantic, sixth in the Eastern Conference. ESPN meanwhile, is predicting Toronto seventh. Either way, that’s a playoff berth. Given the Raps’ throwaway 33-49 season last year, it’s close to constituting high praise for Bryan Colangelo’s offseason work.

Players say they never pay attention to these kinds of things, although they can also serve as a motivational tool. Chris Bosh is no different. “How many predicition polls have been correct in the past 10 years?” asked Bosh Tuesday at Raptors practice. “Let ESPN bring that up.”

The preseason’s main concern – whether or not this team has gelled yet – will soon be evident with two tough tests (Cleveland and Orlando sandwiching Memphis) in their first three regular season games. “With the number of changes that we’ve had,” said coach Jay Triano, ”we’ve got enough guys who can score, it’s just knowing where they are, small things.”

Bosh sums things up succinctly, if not simply. “We can either be good or bad, it depends on us,” he said. “I think we’re gonna be good.”

For the record, there’s a lot of pundit love for the revamped Celtics this year.