Roof That Peach

The short answer to this is “Who gives a rat’s ass?” but the longer, socially responsible answer is a multi-layered, deep analysis about whether homosexuals could ever play professional sports out of the closet.

The answer: No.

The reason: Most athletes are not brain surgeons. Add the machismo and the ridiculous amount of tail thrown their way, and anybody who swings from the other side of the plate is not likely going to be welcomed into a naked locker room with open arms. Unfortunate, yes. A serious problem? Not really. If you consider athletes to be so important to society that their political views on sexual orientation actually matter, then you are a complete idiot. I like to believe that for most people, this sort of thing – the private business of others – doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. However, there are exceptions.

The NHL? There’s hardly any non-white players in the league, let alone admitted non-heterosexual players. Not to say hockey players are rednecks – that’s a stereotype, like my friend questioning my manhood because I had a Rick Astley song on iTunes.

UPDATE – Burke’s son Brendan died Feb. 5, 2010 in a car crash in rural Indiana. Deepest sympathies to Burke’s family.

To no one’s surprise, the NHL announced that the next installation of the “Winter Classic” outdoor game will take place next New Year’s Day at Boston’s Fenway Park. And with it, comes the usual annoying complaints from certain Canadians that the league has once again overlooked our poor, downtrodden nation. But these thick-skulled rednecks fail to take into consideration simple infrastructure as they wrap themselves in the flag and and spew misguided venom, not unlike certain Americans do if you go to the bathroom during the seventh inning stretch and God Bless America.

The following is the reason why Canada won’t be hosting very many outdoor NHL  games, from a piece I wrote three months ago in a daily newspaper:

At this moment, there is only one outdoor stadium in this entire nation that seats more than 40,000 people – Commonwealth Stadium in Edmonton, the very field that hosted the NHL’s first outdoor venture in 2003.

While it might make you feel warm and fuzzy to imagine NHLers taking the ice at Montreal’s Percival Molson Stadium or Toronto’s BMO Field, these games aren’t staged to make the league feel warm and fuzzy. They are staged to maximize profit, and that (and that alone) is the only reason they are staged. When you sell 60,000 tickets to a hockey game, you triple your gate in addition to swelling TV numbers.

Aside from Commonwealth, McMahon Stadium in Calgary is the only current outdoor venue in the country worth doing it in. With 36,000 seats, it’s 17,000 more than the Pengrowth Saddledome (and only 2,000 smaller than Fenway).

BMO? Twenty thousand, or merely 2,000 more than the Air Canada Centre. Same goes for Molson. The Big Owe? Sorry, the roof’s screwed on tight now. The Rogers Centre? Sorry, no drainage system. The retractable-roof version of Vancouver’s B.C. Place? Unbuilt as of yet.

Some corners have mentioned the Ottawa Senators could play a game on the Rideau Canal. My advice to them would be to not smoke marijuana before making suggestions where the Senators play outdoor games. A frozen waterway with 40,000 temporary metal seats? The latter half sounds like the blueprint for most Grey Cup games. And anybody think about the luxury suites? It’s doubtful Eugene Melnyk or any other owner would look the other way on that sweet action.

The ultimate irony would be if Toronto actually got an NFL team and the Maple Leafs could play an outdoor game in that new 60,000-seat+ stadium.

But hold on. Toronto isn’t getting an NFL team, and even if they did, it certainly wouldn’t be an outdoor stadium.

Glad we’ve got this sorted out.